If you’ve been part of this community for very long, you know that the mental load might just be my own Roman Empire. It’s insidious, and it has an outsized impact on our mental and emotional wellbeing.
For many years I’ve talked about that impact on women’s health, and especially how it can start to wither a relationship from the inside. I’ve been excited to adopt and teach some tools like Fair Play to help confront it. More recently, in no small part thanks to Ruth Whippman’s BoyMom, I’ve been thinking deeply about how much these issues hurt boys and men as well.
So when I saw that Dr. Morgan Cutlip was publishing a book on the topic, one that would go beyond just defining the problem and offer real solutions, I was excited to dig in with her. She graciously agreed to share some of her tried-and-true strategies for how to talk about this issue and how to engage the whole family.
Ashley: When women talk about dissatisfaction and resentment in their relationships, how often is inequity in the mental load part of it? How do you see this play out in relationships, and how do you see it impact the well-being of the partners individually?
Morgan: I don’t know of an exact statistic that pinpoints how often dissatisfaction in relationships is tied to inequity and the mental load. In part, that’s because when resentment builds, it can be hard to trace where it all started.
I see the mental load as a relationship issue, not just a logistical one. When it’s not handled in a way that feels fair, and one partner tries to address it—only to be met with defensiveness, hardship Olympics, or dismissiveness—it adds another layer of pain. Over time, this cycle deepens resentment. The lack of understanding and willingness to engage in the conversation, combined with feeling like their partner isn’t truly showing up, can leave someone feeling unsupported and lonely in their own relationship. And as that disconnect grows, so does the distance between them. In terms of the individual impact, feeling unsupported in your relationship can lead to anxiety, depression, overwhelm, and burnout.
Ashley: Do you see friction over domestic labor and the mental load as a cause of strife in relationships, or is it what starts to happen when there is underlying disconnect? Does it matter which comes first in how you might start to rebuild connection and affection?
Morgan: Both can be entry points for tension in a relationship. One of the most common patterns I see is that a couple starts out feeling relatively ok with their division of labor—it’s not that it’s necessarily balanced, it’s just that the amount of responsibilities feels relatively manageable— but then they go through a major transition like having children. This shift not only adds significant responsibilities but also naturally strains their connection. During this time, women often absorb the bulk of these new responsibilities, and when combined with the expected post-baby relationship challenges, it can lead to significant friction and resentment. When it comes to rebuilding connection and affection, it doesn’t matter really where it began, it just matters that the cycle of disconnect and hurt be identified and understood so that both partners can start to show up differently in their relationship.
Ashley: How do you start a conversation about this with your partner? How can you respond if they seem to downplay or dismiss that this is an issue?
Morgan: How this conversation is framed can make a huge difference. A lot of discussions around the mental load position one partner as the problem—someone who’s falling short and needs to step up. While that may be true in some cases, this approach almost always triggers defensiveness. That’s partly because it can make the other partner feel like their contributions don’t count or aren’t being recognized.
Instead, I recommend shifting the conversation to an “us vs. the world” mindset. Modern family life is overwhelming—constant productivity pressures, hustle culture, intense parenting expectations, and endless digital distractions. Rather than seeing the mental load as a personal failing, couples can frame it as: “We have a lot to manage as a family, and it’s us against these demands.” This teamwork-oriented approach helps reduce defensiveness and creates a shared goal.
A great way to introduce the conversation is by clearly stating the impact: “I feel like I can’t relax in our life. We need to find a new way forward together.” Often, partners recognize that their significant other feels stress and tension but don’t fully understand the root cause.
When met with pushback or defensiveness, one effective technique I call “relationship goals” can help. Most people have an ideal vision for their relationship, but they don’t always act in ways that support that vision. A simple but powerful question in response to resistance is: “In a perfect world, how do you want our relationship to function?” The natural follow-up: “What are you willing to do to get there?”
For example:
- If you want more intimacy but don’t create space to listen and support your partner, connection will suffer.
- If you want more peace but don’t engage in home and family life, your partner will likely feel overwhelmed and resentful.
We have to consider what we want our relationship to feel like—and then align our actions to support that vision. And almost always, that starts with engaging in these conversations with openness and a willingness to grow.
Ashley: A lot of us are parents and are hoping to both get participation from all the other humans living in our home, as well as build a new generation that knows how to care for themselves and others. What are ways we can create new behaviors and patterns with our kids around domestic work and the mental load?
Morgan: There’s a lot to unpack with this question, so I’ll share a couple of high-level ideas to consider.
First, when we shift the way we relate to the mental load—both as a couple and with our kids—we’re not just improving our own homes; we’re influencing society. Change may happen gradually, but the work we do in our families has the potential to create a lasting ripple effect.
Second, one of the key ideals in home and family life is fostering initiative. The formula for taking initiative is simple: Observation + Action = Initiative. Our goal, then, is to help our kids strengthen their observational skills and act on what they see.
One way I do this with my kids is by setting a timer and saying, “It’s see-and-do time in the living room.” For 5–10 minutes, they scan the space, notice what needs to be done, and take care of it. When the timer goes off, we talk about what they did—and they’re almost always proud to share. You can use this in different areas of the home, but I’ve found it works best when you focus on one specific space at a time.
Ashley: You’ve said that addressing the imbalance and the resulting resentment of the mental load is a way that we can effect even larger social change. How do you see that happening? What would you say to women who are feeling demoralized that anything – big or small – can really change?
Morgan: Yes, I truly believe societal change starts at home. The way we talk to our kids, model behaviors, and explicitly teach them shapes their future relationship expectations—and eventually, how they raise their own children. This bottom-up approach to change is incredibly powerful.
To women who feel demoralized, I’d say: change is already happening. This conversation is gaining momentum, people are paying attention, and research shows promising shifts—fathers are spending more time with their kids, and Millennial and Gen Z parents are fostering greater emotional awareness and intelligence in their children. In my work with women and couples, I’ve seen real progress.
Shifting the mental load is a slow process—it takes time, and often, multiple conversations in a relationship. But this push for change is still relatively new, so we need to be both patient and persistent. And I believe it’s entirely worth it.
Dr. Cutlip’s book, A Better Share, will be published on April 8th and is now available for pre-order. It’s full of hands-on advice that helps couples get out of the cycle of resentment and move into solutions that are practical and sustainable.
