Stress touches all of us, and for many, it comes hand-in-hand with becoming self-critical. Instead of finding relief, we double down with judgment: “Why can’t I handle this better? Why am I not enough?” The truth is, while self-criticism may give us a temporary push, it rarely sustains us long term. That’s where self-compassion comes in.
Why Shame and Guilt Show Up
Shame and guilt are uncomfortable, yet important emotions. They let us know when we’ve acted outside our values or hurt ourselves or others. But they also appear when we’re being overly hard on ourselves—comparing to impossible standards or overcommitting to fit someone else’s expectations.
When these emotions take over, we may begin to feel inferior or unworthy. Instead of motivating us, self-critical thoughts often increase anxiety and stress, making us shrink and try even harder to “earn” our worth.
My Turning Point: From Self-Critical to Self-Compassionate
When I talk about self-compassion with clients today, I can sometimes sense hesitation. And to be honest, I used to feel the same way. On paper, I knew the research and the benefits of self-compassion, but inside, I wasn’t yet convinced.
For years, I thrived on perfectionism and self-criticism. My drive came from a constant urge to be “good enough”: good enough to make my family proud, to earn rest, to deserve something nice.
Exhausted and unfocused, I’d respond by criticizing myself more harshly, then setting even stricter goals. Again and again, I pushed myself harder, and down the spiral I went. Eventually, I had to face the truth: beating myself down constantly wasn’t helping me grow. It was draining me.
Eventually, I realized that this self-critical mindset wasn’t helping me grow. It was depleting me. The more I tried to prove myself, the emptier I felt. Every task—workouts, assignments, even daily chores—felt impossibly high stakes because my self-worth was on the line.
I was at a crossroads. I had relied on self-criticism for most of my life, and no matter how hard I tried, it wasn’t working anymore. It felt pointless to keep pushing. I needed something new. I decided to take a leap and consider that perhaps, in this moment, I already am good enough.
At first, it felt strange and unbelievable. But little by little, I started to question the beliefs that fueled my self-criticism. I began letting go of the idea that my worth depended on perfection or others’ approval. Instead, I practiced giving myself the same care and kindness I’d been chasing from others.
As I did this work, the voice that had once pushed me from a place of scarcity, lack or self-criticism began to soften. It was replaced by a voice that said, “I’m not going to be perfect, and that’s ok. I’m doing this because I care about myself, my clients, and my vocation.”
The inner critic softened. My energy shifted. I wasn’t acting from scarcity anymore—I was acting from care. And slowly, even daily tasks felt lighter and more meaningful.
Self-Compassion in Times of Stress
It can be difficult to practice self-compassion when life feels full of ups and downs and multiple commitments. Often, our first instinct is to approach ourselves with criticism – and that’s completely understandable. Give yourself a gentle nod for noticing that impulse.
Like any skill, self-compassion is a muscle that grows stronger the more we exercise it. At first, it may take time and consistent effort to remember to be kind to yourself. You might keep a note on your desk or phone as a little reminder to pause and offer yourself compassion. With practice, it becomes easier — and one day, you may notice it starting to happen automatically.
Here are some practical ways to start:
4 Everyday Self-Compassion Practices
1. Notice and Honor Your Feelings
As you move through your day, notice what feelings come up for you. Do you feel stress, sadness, anger or shame? Whatever it is, try giving it space instead of pushing it away. Ask yourself, “What might this feeling be trying to tell me?”
Maybe for you, perfection is about staying so in control that no one can hurt you. Or maybe it’s so that you won’t feel like you’re missing out or being left behind. Perhaps it’s to feel worthy of love. If you notice that in yourself, you might pause and gently ask: What am I trying to protect here?
And if it feels right, see if you can offer that part of yourself some gratitude for the ways it’s been working so hard on your behalf.
2. Choose with Compassion
As we juggle responsibilities, it’s natural to feel the pressure to do it all. I love a metaphor from author Nora Roberts, who once described life as juggling balls – some glass, some plastic. The practice isn’t in keeping them all in the air, but in recognizing which ones are fragile and which will bounce if dropped. For example, ‘making dinner’ and ‘taking my kids to a doctor’s appointment’ aren’t the same ball. One might be plastic, one might be glass.
The self-compassion practice comes in when we realize we can’t keep every ball up. Sometimes we have to let a plastic one fall to protect the glass. That moment can stir up shame or embarrassment – but what if, instead, we offered ourselves grace for being human?
3. Offer Yourself Comfort
As you begin your self-compassion practice, you might notice that it often requires opening yourself to deep vulnerabilities and fears. Moments of pain or discomfort can arise, and that’s okay. Notice what your body and heart are asking for in those moments.
Perhaps it’s a loving touch – a hand on your chest or belly, or a hug. Perhaps it’s a cozy cup of tea, a warm blanket, a candle, or a breath of fresh air. Whatever feels nurturing for you is valid. As you offer yourself these comforts, notice the effect on your mind and heart. Even small gestures can remind you that your feelings are seen, valid, and worthy of care.
You might try a simple daily check-in: pause for a few breaths, and ask, “What does my body need right now?” and respond with one small act of comfort. Notice how it feels to offer yourself care. Does it soften self-criticism, lighten worry, or bring a sense of warmth?
Offering yourself comfort throughout the day helps you stay grounded and remind you that you deserve care amidst a busy and stressful day.
4. Practice Loving-Kindness
When you notice judgment creeping in, pause and try a loving-kindness practice:
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Take a few slow breaths.
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Place a hand on your chest or belly.
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Silently repeat: “May I be at peace. May I be kind to myself. May I give myself the compassion I need.”
If it feels difficult to direct this toward yourself, start with someone you love, then slowly extend it back inward.
If you’d like to listen to a narration of a full Loving Kindness Meditation, check out Susan Cain’s.
Final Thoughts
If you find yourself stuck in stress and self-critical thoughts, you’re not alone. Many of us have relied on self-criticism to get by—but it’s not a sustainable path. Self-compassion is not weakness. It’s strength, resilience, and care in action.
With small, consistent steps, you can begin to soften self-criticism, reduce stress, and move through life with more warmth and clarity.
You are enough, exactly as you are.
