There was a moment this past summer when my daughter was sitting on the edge of the pool while I stood nearby in the water. She leaned forward just a little more than she meant to—and unexpectedly fell in.
I was right there and grabbed her quickly, but the shock of the experience overwhelmed her. As I placed her back on the side of the pool, I could see the fear in her eyes as she began to cry.
Why “You’re Fine” Can Be Confusing for Children
I felt the familiar parental urge to repeat, “You’re fine, you’re fine,” until her tears subsided. But then I remembered: when we say “you’re fine,” it may soothe us—but it can be confusing for them. A child may be left wondering, “Mom says I’m fine, but my body feels scared—and it definitely doesn’t feel fine. Is something wrong with me?”
When this happens, children are left to make sense of the experience on their own, with very limited resources. Left to her own meaning-making, my daughter might have interpreted that moment as life-threatening, potentially leading to ongoing fear or anxiety around swimming.
So instead, I paused and helped her make meaning of what had just happened.
I said, “Whoa. You were sitting on the edge of the pool, and then you leaned forward and fell in. You were so surprised because you weren’t expecting to fall into the water. Then you felt really scared when you went under. Mommy was right there and grabbed you and helped you back onto the side of the pool.”
I watched as her little brain took in this retelling. Slowly, the fear softened. Her crying stopped. A few moments later, she happily returned to playing.
In that moment, I was reminded how powerful it is for parents and caregivers to acknowledge and organize our children’s experiences.
How to Help Children Make Meaning of Their Experiences
1. Resist urge to minimize
Minimizing often comes from love. We want to reassure. We want to calm. We want the moment to pass quickly.
Think about the last time your child fell and scraped their knee and came to you crying. Many of us instinctively say, “You’re okay. It’s not that bad. It’s just a small scrape.”
While these statements may be factually accurate, they can unintentionally dismiss the child’s lived experience. Your child can see the blood and feel the sting—yet is being told everything is “fine.” Over time, this mismatch between their internal experience and external feedback can create confusion.
Children are still learning how to interpret their bodily sensations. If the message they receive repeatedly is that their distress is “not a big deal,” they may begin to question their own internal signals rather than trust them.
Reassurance is important—but it works best when it follows acknowledgment.
2. Validate the intensity of the experience
Instead of minimizing, try pausing and acknowledging what your child felt. You might say:
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“Wow—that really scared you.”
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“That was such a big surprise.”
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“That hurt.”
This helps children connect bodily sensations with emotions and builds emotional intelligence. When children feel understood, their nervous systems begin to settle.
3. Help them make meaning without judgment
Retell what happened in a simple, non-judgmental, sequential way. Focus on observable events rather than interpretations or lessons.
This helps children organize the experience in their minds and reduces the likelihood that their brains will fill in the gaps with fear-based conclusions.
When young children experience something scary or overwhelming, the emotional part of their brain reacts first. Their bodies shift into a fight-or-flight response before their thinking brains can fully understand what happened. Unlike adults, children do not yet have the capacity to organize events, regulate big emotions, or reassure themselves. They rely on parents and caregivers to help their brains slow down and make sense of the experience.
Research in attachment science and interpersonal neurobiology supports this. Studies show that children develop emotional regulation through co-regulation—the process of a calm, attuned adult helping a child’s nervous system settle. When caregivers respond with reflective language and emotional attunement, it supports integration between the emotional centers of the brain and the reasoning and regulation centers of the brain. In other words, when we narrate and validate a child’s experience, we are quite literally helping wire their brain for resilience.
When we calmly retell what happened in a simple way, we help their nervous systems settle. We allow their brains to file the experience as something that was scary—and manageable.
Meaning-Making Builds Emotional Resilience Beyond the Moment
Meaning-making is not only important during moments of fear. It also supports children when they feel angry, sad, frustrated, or disappointed.
A toy breaks. A sibling says something hurtful. They’re told “no” when they desperately wanted “yes.” These everyday disappointments may seem small to us—but they are significant in a child’s internal world.
When we help children name what happened and reflect it back with calm clarity, we are giving them something far more powerful than comfort. We are helping them build a coherent narrative about their own experiences.
Over time, this becomes internalized. The voice that once said, “That was scary. You were surprised. And you were safe,” slowly becomes their own.
This is how resilience forms—not by eliminating distress, but by helping children metabolize it.
