We so often think about our emotional, relational, and even spiritual development as happening in our personal lives, a place we treat as somehow distinct from our work or professional lives. It’s as if we go to work and do our thing all day, and only then come home and think about the big questions of identity, mental health, and personal healing.
But day to day, we live this in a very different way. We get triggered as hell by the snarky message in our inbox. We burn ourselves through our constant yes-saying. We avoid the conversations we know deep down we most need to have. We distract ourselves in the minutia, putting our audacious goals on the backburner. We feel lost in how to manage someone who isn’t stepping up.
Said simply, all of our stuff shows up at work. All of it.
The same dynamics that we struggle with in our personal relationships will absolutely infuse themselves at work. Our self-concept and insecurities and patterns will all play themselves out there.
And of course they will, because what is work if not a set of relationships and tasks that tug at our unhealed parts? And because it pulls for all the stuff that we need to work on in ourselves, it can be one of the biggest – if not the biggest – opportunities for personal transformation.
That’s why I’ve felt so passionate about Galia’s organizational work, and why I’ve just adored getting to know Tarita Preston over the past few years. Tarita is a leadership coach with a stellar resume who believes that work can be a place of growth and healing, and one of the things I love about her is that she’s bold in asserting this. She doesn’t cloud her message in talking about how getting healthier and clearer is good for your bottom line. While it certainly can be, Tarita cuts through and gets to the heart of it: we as humans matter, and we can use work as a way to be better, happier, and more centered in all realms of our lives.
One of the inspiring things I heard Tarita share recently was that when people ask her about her five or ten-year goals, she is very clear. “Greater levels of peace. No matter what’s occurring in my world or outside of me. or where I am. I am trying to access greater levels of calm and presence no matter what’s occurring externally. That’s it.”
Can you imagine for a moment the organizations and the world we would have if this was how we all oriented ourselves?
I had the chance to ask Tarita a few other questions about how we heal through work as she gears up for the fourth annual Advanced Leadership for Women program this month.
Ashley: Even many years into being in leadership and entrepreneurship, there are times where I genuinely wonder if I am too sensitive of a person to be a leader. I get very affected by things, and I can start to doubt if I’m cut out for this. I know a lot of women who wonder the same and some who make the choice to avoid or leave leadership for these reasons. What do you think?
Tarita: This is such a wonderful question and I hear everything you are saying. First, being sensitive isn’t a weakness. I find that sensitive leaders tend to be more attuned to their teams, make more thoughtful decisions, and create psychologically safe environments.That said, we can’t let our insecurities get in the way of our self-actualization. I believe that things in life don’t happen to us, they happen for us. So perhaps these challenging situations are opportunities for you to grow in specific areas.
Many women fall into patterns that make leadership feel overwhelming. Some get caught in comparison, thinking they should be different than they are. Their opportunity is learning unconditional self-support and acceptance. Being softer with themselves on the inside. Others struggle with boundaries, taking responsibility for everyone’s happiness and actions because they want to be liked or accepted. They need to attune to themselves.
If these scripts are running inside you, leading will feel exhausting. Instead, start seeing yourself as both strong, resilient and in tune. Your leadership lessons might be about developing better energetic hygiene knowing what’s yours to take on and what isn’t. Practice discernment about who and what gets your time and attention. Learn to take a stand for yourself and lead people on your terms. Who wouldn’t want to follow someone like that? I would.
Ashley: You’re clear that work can be a place of healing and growth, and that the work you do on yourself in this realm translates to other parts of your life. I love the way you say, “How you do anything is how you do everything.” Can you explain what you mean here?
Tarita: I come from the mindset that your car trunk looks like your desk, looks like your purse, looks like your closet because it has YOU in it. You bring your inner experience wherever you go. If you’re anxious, fear-based, or see yourself as “less than” others, that mindset will walk beside you into every room you enter.
We often unconsciously create situations that confirm our limiting beliefs. Someone who doesn’t feel worthy might overwork, struggle to rest, or sabotage opportunities. Our patterns show up everywhere because our inner reality creates our outer reality.
If I use myself as an example, I had a background in HR, and one person called me “the most insincere HR person” they’d ever met. When people would cry in my office, I would literally hurl a box of Kleenex at them because I saw emotions as weakness.
Honestly, I did that everywhere, not just at work. I had the emotional capacity and depth of a kiddie pool. Anytime I got uncomfortable, I would shut down. Which meant I couldn’t be present during difficult moments that included workplace layoffs, plant closings, or in my personal life during deaths or health diagnoses.
It wasn’t until I worked on my own relationship with vulnerability that everything shifted. It was really transformative for me because I no longer was a victim of “overwhelm.” I became a better friend, sister, coach, and business owner because I could finally show up fully, even when things got uncomfortable. And as I am sure you know, running a business can be super uncomfortable.
That’s what I mean by “how you do anything is how you do everything.” Our patterns don’t stay compartmentalized, they’re the lens through which we experience everything.
Ashley: I’ve also heard you point out something that feels very true – that we often as women get stuck in wondering how we could have produced a different response in someone because we falsely attribute others’ reactions to ourselves. You talk about how their response has nothing to do with us, really. It’s an important idea, but I think it’s one that’s hard for a lot of us to integrate. How do you help people start to detach from other people’s reactions and responses?
Tarita: You’re naming something so important! Women are conditioned to believe they’re responsible for other people’s reactions and it’s a pattern that usually starts in childhood. If we had caregivers who weren’t emotionally attuned to us, we learned to monitor their moods and make their behavior mean something about us. Lot’s of parents run “you’re making me upset” or “you’re disappointing me.” That early survival strategy kids adopt, later shows up in leadership as caretaking instead of leading.
One powerful question I ask clients is: “What did you make their behavior mean about you?” I usually hear some version of “I caused this” or “I need to fix this situation.” But what if that person was simply having a bad day and you happened to be there? What if they have a short fuse just like a parent you grew up with? Sometimes, (honestly 80% of the time) it really isn’t about you.
To help clients detach, we do inner child work. Most emotional responses aren’t new, they are a replay of old experiences. When these patterns get triggered, I help people trace back to when those feelings first developed. Many people are unconsciously acting out their childhood selves at work and have no idea. It’s so high school!
I saw this so often that I dedicated a portion of my Advanced Leadership for Women program to slowing down triggers. When women stop personalizing others’ behavior and turn inward to attune to themselves first, the transformation is remarkable. They literally start to wake up and see people, and themselves, more accurately. “I’m not crazy, my boss is a narcissist!” How can we be leaders if we aren’t accurate? I even notice they become healthier and more vibrant because their energy is finally aligned instead of scattered and diffused trying to manage everyone else’s emotions and perceptions.
Ashley: Something I realized recently that I admired about you – even though it took me a while to recognize it – was the way that you don’t put your love for aesthetics in a box, separate from your persona as a leader. You talk about and embrace hair, nails, and clothes. You also recognize that there can be a backlash for women, particularly for women of color, in embracing different styles. How has your own relationship to your self-expression evolved?
Tarita: Aww, thank you! Listen, I wasn’t put on this planet to be “acceptable” to other people. Many women can embrace this mindset: center yourself. How many of our mothers lived alone or had complete freedom to do whatever they wanted? I am more free than many of my ancestors, and I refuse to dishonor them by putting myself in a box. I’m here to expand, create, and be my own muse, work of art and main character.
In the past, I thought conforming would save me. I had heavy “princess programming,” believing life would be easier if a man rescued me. I even dated someone who did that and found it stifling. Then I realized everyone has to save themselves. I could learn, grow, and evolve just like anyone else. I didn’t have to play small.
The turning point was asking: Why am I caging myself based on what “they” think? Who are “they” anyway? Are they paying my bills? This isn’t parking and I don’t need their validation.
Being myself helps humanity. When people see me fully expressing myself through my style, leadership, and my vibe, it gives them permission to be themselves too. My freedom creates a ripple effect.
And taking care of myself is one of my favorite things to do. My aesthetics aren’t separate from my leadership; they’re part of how I show up powerfully. When women see that integration, they realize they don’t have to choose between being taken seriously and expressing themselves. Be a leader that can do both.
Ashley: You talk about the importance of leaders and healers doing their own work and tending to their needs, which can sound like a sound bite, but I think you embody the truth and wisdom of this. If you can give an example, how have you seen starting to do this help transform a person, their work, or even people they lead.
Tarita: Oh this is easy. When they do healing work, first, they aren’t as easily rattled, anxious, or triggered. When something unexpected happens, instead of spiraling, they slow down. Their executive presence and functioning improves.
Second, their relationship with not knowing shifts. Do you know how many people are afraid when they don’t know things? Not knowing something at work takes so many people out. Instead of hitting the panic button and running shame scripts like “I should have known this,” they hit the curiosity button. They make clearer decisions, communicate more effectively, and show up authentically. People notice that they seem more grounded and trustworthy.
But here’s what I really love: they become more patient with their kids. Parenting becomes more fun instead of another stressful responsibility. They stop yelling and start connecting.
The physical transformation is remarkable too. I’ve had clients whose perimenopause symptoms reversed because they stopped pushing against their natural rhythms. Their energy became balanced and they slept better.
Tarita is hosting her annual Advanced Leadership for Women summit later this month, and I can’t recommend enough that you see if it might be for you.
